If I were a man, I would bang the hell out of you.
But it’s not because I’m captivated by your intelligence. It’s not because I’m enchanted by your passions in life. It’s not because your motivation and drive to get anything you want brings me to my knees in utter admiration and astonishment.
It’s because you’re easy, and I’m looking for a quick fuck.
I’m not surprised that you’ve made goo-goo eyes at my friend Trevor on several occasions. Granted, if I were a man, I’m sure you wouldn’t be able to resist my six-pack, bulging arms, an impressive package and five o’clock shadow to add to my macho manliness. But it’s not in my nature to crush poor Trevor’s ego, so we’ll just say for all intents and purposes that he is indeed a very attractive young man with everything going for him, as far as personality, looks, and work ethics are concerned. He’s quite the catch, and I applaud your fine taste in men.
But sweetheart, he’s not interested in being your boyfriend.
He’s already told you this at least once before. I’m sure in relaying this painful truth to you he was firm, yet gentle, as my giant man-hands would be on your silky smooth hips. And baby, I say let it go. Shrug it off. Move on. If he can’t see into your heart and realize what a charming, fantastic young woman you are, then it’s his loss. You can do better.
But no, you’re not going to let him get away that easily, are you? Instead, the shirt will come off and the tits will come out via several SMS messages.
Don’t worry, babe, I have not seen these pictures. And if I were a man, I would be extremely disappointed to have not gotten a glimpse. But I’m sure they’re very nice. And Trevor is one lucky son of a bitch to have his very own picture or twenty of your rack that you took just for him on his smart phone for him to ogle at whenever he so pleases.
Although, there is just one little problem left, Audrey… HE’S STILL NOT INTERESTED IN BEING YOUR BOYFRIEND.
So now what are you going to do? Well, you can’t ask for the pictures back.
If Trevor was a pig, he could very well show them off to all his bros at the bar, whereupon they would all give him a manly pat on the back and buy him a round. If he was an asshole, he could very well demand you send more SMS messages to appease him, lest you want those pictures to surface on some random yet frequently accessed porn website.
If Trevor was a heartless dick, he could flatter you, make false promises, find his way into your pants, and never call you again once he’s had his fill.
The female body can be a very powerful and persuasive tool, Audrey. If all you were looking for was sex, keep right on doing what you’re doing. If you don’t care about the long-term consequences, send pictures of your breasts off to every guy in your contact list. You’re bound to get some action sooner or later.
But you know just as well as I do that you’ve definitely considered a relationship with Trevor—something much more personal and intimate than a one-night stand. You see him as a potential long-term mate, someone whom you can fully commit to. Unfortunately, that’s not what he saw in you.
You got rejected. Dude, I’ve been there! Everyone’s been there at one point or another. But when you persist by sending pictures of yourself naked, or even topless, the photo caption might as well say: “I have nothing else to offer.”
There’s a pretty good chance it may get a guy to have sex with you, but the chances that he’ll still respect you afterwards start slimming with every SMS he gets.
So you tell me, Audrey, is the sex worth the lack of respect?
This is an easy question, but I’ll give you a hint anyway: I’ve never had to show a guy my chest to make him want to have sex with and/or get involved in a committed relationship with me. He knows I’m not humping everything that moves because I made him work for it. And if he doesn’t want to work for it, then I know for a fact that I’m too good for him and he walks away with nothing.
If you get the answer wrong… call me, hot stuff.
Yours most sincerely,
A Woman Who Would Be A Disgusting Pig If She Were A Man